my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
