Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
