I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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