Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i drank out of a bidet.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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