Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
