If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My ATM looks so different sober.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
