tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
