I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
