Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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