How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
