you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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