i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize