genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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