I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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