I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
These tits shall not be calmed
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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