I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
