there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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