I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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