i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
