I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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