Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
