you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
