he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
