You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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