She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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