**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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