i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
