youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
