grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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