Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
