found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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