hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
