There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
