you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
