What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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