Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
