Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
