So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
