sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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