scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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