I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
pop tarts are not kleenex
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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