I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
