And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
