So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
