I am puke
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
