I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
is that a dick in a sweater?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
