I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
