I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
