When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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