my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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