Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
