you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i just sent this text using only my big toe
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
