You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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