Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
