i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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