ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There r osticjed everywhere
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
