saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Brb crying the tears of my youth
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
