I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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