it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You need Xanax blowdarts
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
