dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
