I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
